Top famous quotes and jokes: best quotes and best jokes

From A Mother With Love Funny Redneck Jokes | Funny Jokes

2011-10-21T17:57:00.000-07:00

From A Mother With Love

Dear Child,

I am writing this slow because I know that you can't read fast.

We don't live where we did when you left home.

Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home so we moved.

I won't be able to send you the address, as the last family that lived here took the house numbers when they left so that they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place is real nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure if it works too well though.

Last week I put a load in, pulled the chain, and haven't seen them since.

The weather isn't too bad here., it only rained twice last week, The first time it rained for three days and the second time for four days. The coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Steve said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets. We got another bill from the funeral home.

They said if we don't make the last payment on Grandma's grave, up she comes. John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were worried because it took him two hours to get me and Shelby out.

Your sister had a baby this morning but I haven't found out what it is yet, so I don't know if you're an aunt or an uncle. If the baby is a girl, your sister is going to name it after me, she's going to call it Mom.

Uncle Pete fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some man tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated and he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.

There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.

PS, I was going to send you some money but the envelope was already sealed.

From A Mother With Love Funny Redneck Jokes | Funny Jokes

Only three doors Funny Blonde Jokes | Silly Jokes

2011-10-20T18:30:00.001-07:00

Only three doors
An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a layover in another city. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.

The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened. She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room. "You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"

The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"

Only three doors Funny Blonde Jokes | Silly Jokes

Watch Dogs Funny blonde Jokes | Funny Jokes | Stupid Blonde jokes

2011-10-19T20:16:00.000-07:00

Watch dogs

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs,
And asked her what their names were.
The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.
Her friend said, 'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?'
'Hellooooo......' answered the blond.
'I bought them as watch dogs!'

Watch Dogs Funny blonde Jokes | Funny Jokes | Stupid Blonde jokes

The blonde kidnapper Funny Blonde Jokes | Funny Jokes

2011-10-18T18:27:00.000-07:00

The blonde kidnapper

This blonde woman was having financial troubles, when she decided to kidnap a child and demand a ransom. She went to a local park, grabbed a little boy, took him behind a tree and wrote this note:

I have kidnapped your child. Leave $10,000 in a plain brown bag behind the big oak tree in the park tomorrow by 7 AM.
Signed - "The Blonde"

She pinned the note inside the boy’s jacket and told him to go straight home.The next morning, she returned to the park to find the $10,000 in a brown bag, behind the big oak tree, just as she had instructed. Also inside the bag was the following note:
"Here is your money. I cannot believe that one blonde would do this to another."

The blonde kidnapper Funny Blonde Jokes | Funny Jokes

Blonde house coating funny blonde jokes | Funny Blonde Jokes

2011-10-17T18:25:00.000-07:00

Blonde house coating funny blonde jokes
One day a blonde decides that she is so sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.
While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house.
The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.
Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time.
He goes over and asks her if she is OK. She replies yes. He asks what she is doing. She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the house.
He then asks her why she has a ski jacket over her fur coat. She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and they said…FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS.

Blonde house coating funny blonde jokes | Funny Blonde Jokes

Not in this office funny blonde jokes | dirty blonde jokes

2011-10-14T19:25:00.001-07:00

A blonde, a brunette and a red head are in the copy room of their office building when the red head goes over to the corner of the room.

She stands with a puzzled look on her face for a second then says 'This looks like a semen stain'.

The brunette walks over to look as well as touch the stain. She says 'Looks and feels like semen.'

The blonde comes over, looks at, touches, then tastes the stain. She says 'looks like it, feels like it and tastes like it, but it's not from any man in this office.'

Not in this office funny blonde jokes | dirty blonde jokes

How many States - Funny Kid jokes - Silly kid jokes

2011-10-12T19:58:00.000-07:00

How many States - Funny Kid jokes
Father William, the old priest, made it a practice to visit the parish school one day a week. He walked into the 4th grade class, where the children were studying the states, and asked them how many states they could name. They came up with about 40 names. Father William jokingly told them that in his day students knew the names of all the states.

One lad raised his hand and said, 'Yes sir, but in those days there were only 13 states.'

Cat won't eat - Funny Blonde Jokes - Dirty Jokes

2011-10-11T23:01:00.000-07:00

Cat won't eat

A blonde woman strode angrily into the large store, slapped a package on the counter, and loudly expressed her dissatisfaction.

The clerk asked, "What's the problem? Wouldn't your cat eat them?"

The woman's eyes got very large, and she whispered, "Do you mean to tell me that 'Pussy Treats' are for cats?"

Cat won't eat - Funny Blonde Jokes - Dirty Jokes

Famous OBAMA quotes

2009-08-26T22:48:00.001-07:00

Famous OBAMA quotes

Who is Barack Obama? Contrary to the rumors you have heard, I was not born in a manger. I was actually born on Krypton and sent here by my father Jor-El to save the Planet Earth. Many of you know that I got my name, Barack, from my father. What you may not know is Barack is actually Swahili for "That One." And I got my middle name from somebody who obviously didn't think I'd ever run for president. If I had to name my greatest strength, I guess it would be my humility. Greatest weakness, it's possible that I'm a little too awesome.
Barack Obama

But I have to say tonight's venue isn't really what I'm used to. I was originally told we'd be able to move this outdoors to Yankee Stadium, and can somebody tell me what happened to the Greek columns that I requested?
Barack Obama

I do love the Waldorf-Astoria, though. You know, I hear that from the doorstep you can see all the way to the Russian tea room.
Barack Obama

You notice that people who've been in Washington too long, they don't talk like ordinary folks,. We had this debate in Las Vegas, and somebody asked me, "What are your weaknesses?" So I said, "Well, you know, I don't keep track of paper that well, I'm always losing paper, my desk is a mess." And then they asked the next two candidates. And one candidate says, "Well, my biggest weakness is I'm just so passionate about helping poor people." And then the other one says, "I'm just so impatient to help the American people solve their problems." So then I realize well, I wish I'd gone last and then I would have known.. I'm stupid that way, I thought that when they asked what your biggest weakness was, they asked what your biggest weakness was. And now I know that my biggest weakness is I like to help old ladies across the street.
Barack Obama

The mimic bands the keyword opposite the given earth.

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2009-08-26T01:54:00.000-07:00

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Loan Arithmitic - Best teacher jokes

2009-08-24T21:29:00.000-07:00

Loan Arithmitic - Best teacher jokes

Little Johnny was being questioned by the teacher during an arithmetic lesson. 'If you had ten dollars,' said the teacher, 'and I asked you for a loan of eight dollars, how much would you have left?'

'Ten,' said Little Johnny firmly.

'Ten?' the teacher said 'How do you make it ten?'

'Well,' replied Little Johnny 'You may ask for a loan of eight dollars, but that doesn't mean you'll get it!'

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Boots - Best teacher jokes

2009-08-24T21:27:00.000-07:00

Boots - Best teacher jokes

Did you hear about the teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten students put on his boots?

He asked for help and she could see why. With her pulling and him pushing, the boots still didn't want to go on. When the second boot was on, she had worked up a sweat. She almost whimpered when the little boy said, "Teacher, they're on the wrong feet." She looked and sure enough, they were.

It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on, this time on the right feet. He then announced, "These aren't my
boots."

She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream,"Why didn't you say so?" like she wanted to.

Once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off. He then said, "They're my brother's boots. My Mom made me wear them."

She didn't know if she should laugh or cry. She mustered up the grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again. She said, "Now, where are your mittens?"

He said, "I stuffed them in the
toes of my boots..."

Her trial starts next month.

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Teaching Applicant - Best teacher jokes

2009-08-24T21:24:00.000-07:00

Teaching Applicant - Best teacher jokes

After being interviewed by the school administration, the teaching prospect said, "Let me see if I've got this right: You want me to go into that room with all those kids, correct their disruptive behavior, observe them for signs of abuse, monitor their dress habits, censor their T-shirt messages, and instill in them a love for learning. You want me to check their backpacks for weapons, wage war on drugs and sexually transmitted diseases, and raise their sense of self esteem and personal pride.

You want me to teach them patriotism and good citizenship, sportsmanship and fair play, and how to register to vote, balance a checkbook and apply for a job. You want me to check their heads for lice, recognize signs of antisocial behavior, and make sure that they all pass the state exams.

You want me to provide them with an equal education regardless of their handicaps, and communicate regularly
with their parents by letter, telephone, newsletter, and report card.

You want me to do all this with a piece of chalk, a blackboard, a bulletin board, a few books, a big smile, and a starting salary that qualifies me for food stamps. You want me to do all this, and then you tell me.............. I CAN'T PRAY?"
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Better Grades - Best teacher jokes

2009-08-24T21:23:00.000-07:00

Better Grades - Best teacher jokes

Little Johnny wasn't getting good marks in school. One day he surprised the teacher with an announcement.

He tapped her on the shoulder and said, "I don't want to scare you, but my daddy says if I don't start getting better grades...somebody is going to get a spanking!"
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One of my Kids - Best teacher jokes

2009-08-24T21:13:00.000-07:00

One of my Kids - Best teacher jokes

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello.

He's rather taken a back because he can't place where he knows her from. So he says, "Do you know me?"

To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???"

She looks into his eyes and says calmly,

"No, I'm your son's teacher."
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Spring Fever - Best teacher jokes

2009-08-24T21:12:00.000-07:00

Spring Fever - Best teacher jokes

Four high school boys afflicted with spring fever skipped morning classes. After lunch they reported to the teacher that they had a flat tire.

Much to their relief she smiled and said, "Well, you missed a test today so take seats apart from one another and take out a piece of paper."

Still smiling, she waited for them to sit down. Then she said: "First Question: Which tire was flat?"

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How Many are Left - Best teacher jokes

2009-08-24T21:10:00.000-07:00

How Many are Left - Best teacher jokes

The teacher came up with a good problem. "Suppose," she asked the second-graders, "there were a dozen sheep and six of them jumped over a fence. How many would be left?"

"None," answered little Norman.

"None? Norman, you don't know your arithmetic."

"Teacher, you don't know your sheep. When one goes, they all go!"
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No wonder English is so hard to learn - Best teacher jokes

2009-08-24T21:05:00.000-07:00

No wonder English is so hard to learn - Best teacher jokes

No wonder English is so hard to learn

We polish the Polish furniture.

He could lead if he would get the lead out.

A farm can produce produce.

The dump was so full it had to refuse refuse.

The soldier decided to desert in the desert.

The present is a good time to present the present.

At the Army base, a bass was painted on the head of a bass drum.

The dove dove into the bushes.

I did not object to the object.

The insurance for the invalid was invalid.

The bandage was wound around the wound.

There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

They were too close to the door to close it.

The buck does funny things when the does are present.

They sent a sewer down to stitch the tear in the sewer line.

To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

After a number of Novocain injections, my jaw got number.

I shed a tear when I saw the tear in my clothes.

I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

I spent last evening evening out a pile of dirt.
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Little Johnny's Science Lesson - Best teacher jokes

2009-08-24T21:04:00.000-07:00

Little Johnny's Science Lesson - Best teacher jokes

Miss Jones had been giving her second-grade students a lesson on science. She had explained about magnets and showed how they would pick up nails and other bits of iron.

Now it was question time, and she asked, “My name begins with the letter 'M' and I pick up things. What am I?”

Little Johnny in the front row proudly said, “You're a mother!”

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Philosophy Exam - Best teacher jokes

2009-08-24T21:00:00.000-07:00

Philosophy Exam - Best teacher jokes

Philosophy Exam

An eccentric philosophy professor gave a one question final exam after a semester dealing with a broad array of topics.

The class was already seated and ready to go when the professor picked up his chair, plopped it on his desk and wrote on the board: "Using everything we have learned this semester, prove that this chair does not exist."

Fingers flew, erasers erased, notebooks were filled in furious fashion. Some students wrote over 30 pages in one hour attempting to refute the existence of the chair. One member of the class however, was up and finished in less than a minute.

Weeks later when the grades were posted, the rest of the group wondered how he could have gotten an "A" when he had barely written anything at all. His answer consisted of two words:

"What chair?"
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The Professor Makes Change - Best teacher jokes

2009-08-24T20:57:00.000-07:00

The Professor Makes Change - Best teacher jokes

The Professor Makes Change

A professor was giving a big test one day to his students. He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait. Once the test was over the students all handed the tests back in. The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying "A dollar per point."

The next class period, the professor handed the tests back out. This student got back his test and $64 change.
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English Essay - Best teacher jokes

2009-08-24T20:55:00.000-07:00

English Essay - Best teacher jokes

Jimmy's English teacher was a perfectionist and demanded the very best of his pupils. So it was only to be expected that he would get furious when Little Jimmy handed in a poor paper.

"This is the worst essay it has ever been my misfortune to read," ranted the teacher. "It has too many mistakes. I can't understand how one person would have made all these mistakes."

"One person didn't," replied Little Jimmy defensively. "My father helped me."

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Kids are Quick - Best teacher jokes

2009-08-24T20:51:00.000-07:00

Kids are Quick - Best teacher jokes

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America.
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
CLASS: Maria.

TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.

TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O -D-I-A-L
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.

TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.

TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!

TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: ! Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.

TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with 'I.'
MILLIE: I is...
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'

TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louis, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the ax in his hand.

TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.

TEACHER: Clyde, your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE: No, teacher, it's the same dog.

TEACHER: Harold, what do yo u call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher.
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Late for school - Best teacher jokes

2009-08-24T20:50:00.000-07:00

Late for school - Best teacher jokes

The new family in the neighborhood overslept and their six-year-old daughter missed her school bus.

The father, though late for work himself, had to drive her. Since he did not know the way, he said that she would have to direct him to the school.

They rode several blocks before she told him to turn the first time, several more before she indicated another turn. This went on for 20 minutes - but when they finally reached the school, it proved to be only a short distance from their home.

The father, much annoyed, asked his daughter why she'd led him around in such a circle.

The child explained, "That's the way the school bus goes, Daddy. It's the only way I know."
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Misbehaving Phone Call - Best teacher jokes

2009-08-24T20:48:00.000-07:00

Misbehaving Phone Call - Best teacher jokes

Seven year old Johnny had finished his summer vacation and gone back to school.

Two days later his teacher phoned his mother to tell her that John was misbehaving.

"Wait a minute," she said. "I had Johnny here for two months and I never called you once when he misbehaved."

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Stricter with the screening process - Best teacher jokes

2009-08-24T20:46:00.000-07:00

Stricter with the screening process - Best teacher jokes

Stricter with the screening process
A young man dies and goes to Heaven, where he finds he is third in line at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter is taking a much-needed break, so an angel is admitting the newly arrived to Heaven.

The angel tells the three new arrivals that because so many drug dealers and other criminals have managed to sneak into Heaven that St. Peter must now be a little
stricter with the screening process. Each person is required to state his former occupation and tell his or her yearly salary.

The first man in line says, “I was an actor, and I earned $1 million last year.”

The angel says, “Okay, you may enter.”

He turns to the woman in line and asks her about her life.

She states, “I earned $150,000 as an attorney.” The angel thinks for a moment and then lets her in, too.

He turns to the third one in line and asks, “What have you done with your life?”

The man replies, “I earned $8,000 last year . . .”

“Oh,” the angel interrupts. “What did you teach?”
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earth science class - Best teacher jokes

2009-08-24T20:42:00.000-07:00

earth science class - Best teacher jokes

earth science class
The teacher of the earth science class was lecturing on map reading. After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees and minutes the teacher asked, "Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude...?"

After a confused silence, a voice volunteered, "I guess you'd be eating alone."

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School Daze - Best teacher jokes

2009-08-24T20:40:00.000-07:00

School Daze - Best teacher jokes

School Daze
It was at the end of the school year, and a kindergarten teacher was receiving gifts from her pupils.

The florist's son handed her a gift. She shook it, held it overhead, and said, "I bet I know what it is. Some flowers." "

That's right" the boy said, "but how did you know?"

"Oh, just a wild guess," she said.

The next pupil was the candy shop owner's daughter.

The teacher held her gift overhead, shook it, and said, "I bet I can guess what it is. A box of sweets."

"That's right, but how did you know?" asked the girl.

"Oh, just a wild guess," said the teacher.

The next gift was from the son of the liquor store owner. The teacher held the package overhead, but it was leaking. She touched a drop of the leakage with her finger and touched it to her tongue.

"Is it wine?" she asked.

"No," the boy replied, with some excitement.

The teacher repeated the process, taking a larger drop of the leakage to her tongue.

"Is it champagne?" she asked.

"No," the boy replied, with more excitement.

The teacher took one more taste before declaring, "I give up, what is it?"

With great glee, the boy replied, "It's a puppy!"
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An Atheist - Best teacher jokes

2009-08-24T20:23:00.000-07:00

An Atheist - Best teacher jokes

An Atheist
A young woman teacher with obvious liberal tendencies explains to her class of small children that she is an atheist. She asks her class if they are atheists too. Not really knowing what atheism is but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands explode into the air like fleshy fireworks.

There is, however, one exception. A beautiful girl named Lucy has not gone along with the crowd. The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different.

"Because I'm not an atheist."

Then, asks the teacher, "What are you?"

"I'm a Christian."

The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks Lucy why she is a Christian.

"Well, I was brought up knowing and loving Jesus. My mom is a Christian, and my dad is a Christian, so I am a Christian."

The teacher is now angry. "That's no reason," she says loudly.

"What if your mom was a moron, and your dad was a moron. What would you be then?"

She paused, and smiled. "Then," says Lucy, "I'd be an atheist."
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Best teacher jokes of all times

2009-08-24T20:03:00.000-07:00

Best teacher jokes of all times is a collection of the best teacher jokes on the internet.

An Athiest

School Daze

Earth science class

Screening process

Misbehaving Phone call

Late for school

Kids are quick

English essay

The profeessor makes change

Philosophy exam

Little johnny's science lesson

Hard to learn

How many are left

Spring fever

One of my kids

Better Grades

Teaching applicant

Boots

Loan Arithmetic

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top 10 most inspirational quotes: famous inspirational quotes

2009-08-24T01:07:00.000-07:00

The top 10 most inspirational quotes.

Famous flirty quotes: The best flirty quotes of all times list 4

2009-08-23T19:41:00.000-07:00

Famous flirty quotes: The best flirty quotes of all times
A collection of the most famous flirty quotes and the best flirty quotes of all times.

Famous flirty quotes: Best flirty quotes #31

The word of the day is "legs." Let's go back to my place and spread the word.

Famous flirty quotes: Best flirty quotes #32

I get the best feeling in the world when you say "Hi" or smile at me, because I know that even for a second that I've crossed your mind.

Famous flirty quotes: Best flirty quotes #33

Every night I go home crying because I'll have to wait until tomorrow to see you again.

Famous flirty quotes: Best flirty quotes #34

If someone was to write a story about my life, the climax would be when I met you.

Famous flirty quotes: Best flirty quotes #35

The shortest word for me is I
The sweetest word for me is LOVE
The only one for me is YOU

Famous flirty quotes: Best flirty quotes #36

Loving you is like breathing; How can I stop?

Famous flirty quotes: Best flirty quotes #37

There must be something wrong with my eyes, I can't take them off you.

Famous flirty quotes: Best flirty quotes #38

If nothing lasts for ever, will you be my nothing?

Famous flirty quotes: Best flirty quotes #39

You can fall from the sky
You can fall from a tree
But the best way to fall
Is in love with me

Famous flirty quotes: Best flirty quotes #40

Love Is Like Quicksand:
The Deeper You Fall In It
The Harder It Is To Get Out.

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Famous flirty quotes: The best flirty quotes of all times list 3

2009-08-23T19:34:00.000-07:00

Famous flirty quotes: The best flirty quotes of all times
A collection of the most famous flirty quotes and the best flirty quotes of all times.

Famous flirty quotes: Best flirty quotes #21

What's a y woman like you doing in a dirty mind like mine?

Famous flirty quotes: Best flirty quotes #22

Most pictures may be worth a thousand words, but a picture of you needs only one! Wow!

Famous flirty quotes: Best flirty quotes #23

Did you have a fever when you took that picture? You look pretty hot from here.

Famous flirty quotes: Best flirty quotes #24

I know what caused global warming. You!

Famous flirty quotes: Best flirty quotes #25

Come live in my heart, and pay no rent.

Famous flirty quotes: Best flirty quotes #26

I'm not drunk, I'm just intoxicated by you.

Famous flirty quotes: Best flirty quotes #27

Have you come to terms with the effect your beauty is having on people's computer surfing habits?

Famous flirty quotes: Best flirty quotes #28

You shouldn't wear makeup. It's messing with perfection!

Famous flirty quotes: Best flirty quotes #29

This isn't a belly; it's a fuel tank for a love machine.

Famous flirty quotes: Best flirty quotes #30

Your eyes are as blue as the water in my toilet bowl.

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Famous flirty quotes: The best flirty quotes of all times

2009-08-23T19:19:00.000-07:00

Famous flirty quotes: The best flirty quotes of all times.
A collection of the most famous flirty quotes and the best flirty quotes of all times.

Famous flirty quotes: Best flirty quotes #11

If you don't wanna have kids with me, then why don't we just practice?

Famous flirty quotes: Best flirty quotes #12

I just had to come talk with you. Sweetness is my weakness.

Famous flirty quotes: Best flirty quotes #13

Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by again?

Famous flirty quotes: Best flirty quotes #14

I hope you know CPR, cause you take my breath away!

Famous flirty quotes: Best flirty quotes #15

So here I am. What were your other two wishes?

Famous flirty quotes: Best flirty quotes #16

This is me making the first move....your turn!

Famous flirty quotes: Best flirty quotes #17

Apart from being y, what do you do for a living?

Famous flirty quotes: Best flirty quotes #18

Did it hurt When you fell from Heaven?

Famous flirty quotes: Best flirty quotes #19

Can I borrow a quarter? I just want to call my mom and tell her I just met the of my dreams.

Famous flirty quotes: Best flirty quotes #20

Hey, I just noticed you looked at my picture, I'll give you a minute to catch your breath.

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Best gay quotes: The best gay quotes and most famous gay quotes 2

2009-08-22T23:50:00.000-07:00

Best gay quotes: The best gay quotes and most famous gay quotes
A collection of best gay qutoes and famous gay quotes from the internet and from people gay or not who likes to share their thoughts and points of view about being gay. Enjoy..

Best gay quotes: Famous gay quotes #11

The world is not divided into sheeps and goats. Not all things are black nor all things white. It is a fundamental of taxonomy that nature rarely deals with discrete categories. Only the human mind invents categories and tries to force facts into separated pigeon-holes. The living world is a continuum in each and every one of its aspects. The sooner we learn this concerning sexual behavior the sooner we shall reach a sound understanding of the realities of sex.
-Alfred Kinsey

Best gay quotes: Famous gay quotes #12

The important thing is not the object of love, but the emotion itself.
-Gore Vidal

Best gay quotes: Famous gay quotes #13

I can't help looking gay. I put on a dress and people say, "Who's the dyke in the dress?"
-Karen Ripley

Best gay quotes: Famous gay quotes #14

Never apologize for showing feeling. When you do so, you apologize for the truth.
-Benjamin Disraeli

Best gay quotes: Famous gay quotes #15

If God had wanted me otherwise, He would have created me otherwise.
-Johann von Goethe

Best gay quotes: Famous gay quotes #16

The church service was under way and they passed the collection plate. When the preacher saw a $100.00 bill in the collection plate, he stop the service and announced "who ever put the $100.00 bill in the plate please stand up".

A gay man stood up and said "I did".

The preacher told him "since you put that money in the plate I would like to let you pick out three hymes."

Excitedly, the gay guy said, "well I'll take him and him and him."
-unknown

Best gay quotes: Famous gay quotes #17

"Gay and lesbian people fall in love. We settle down. We commit our lives to one another. We raise our children. We protect them. We try to be good citizens."
-Sheila Kuehl

Best gay quotes: Famous gay quotes #18

"Is a gay play a play that has sex with other plays?"
-Harvey Fierstein

Best gay quotes: Famous gay quotes #19

"There is a tendency in the gay community to become worse than straight people ever could be!"
-Michael Lucas

Best gay quotes: Famous gay quotes #20

"We are not the first but I am sure we will not be the last. After us will come many other countries, driven, ladies and gentleman, by two unstopable forces: freedom and equality"
-Jose Luis Rodrigueaz

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Best gay quotes: The best gay quotes and most famous gay quotes

2009-08-22T23:14:00.000-07:00

Best gay quotes: Famous gay quotes #1

When I was in the military they gave me a medal for killing two men and a discharge for loving one.
-Epitaph of Leonard P.

Best gay quotes: Famous gay quotes #2

If gay and lesbian people are given civil rights, then everyone will want them!
-unknown

Best gay quotes: Famous gay quotes #3

You don't have to be straight to be in the military; you just have to be able to shoot straight.
-Barry Goldwater

Best gay quotes: Famous gay quotes #4

Why is it that, as a culture, we are more comfortable seeing two men holding guns than holding hands?
-Ernest Gaines

Best gay quotes: Famous gay quotes #5

Everybody's journey is individual. If you fall in love with a boy, you fall in love with a boy. The fact that many Americans consider it a disease says more about them than it does about homosexuality.
-James Baldwin

Best gay quotes: Famous gay quotes #6

What is straight? A line can be straight, or a street, but the human heart, oh, no, it's curved like a road through mountains.
-Tennessee Williams

Best gay quotes: Famous gay quotes #7

There is nothing wrong with going to bed with someone of your own sex. People should be very free with sex, they should draw the line at goats.
-Elton John

Best gay quotes: Famous gay quotes #8

I'm a supporter of gay rights. And not a closet supporter either. From the time I was a kid, I have never been able to understand attacks upon the gay community. There are so many qualities that make up a human being... by the time I get through with all the things that I really admire about people, what they do with their private parts is probably so low on the list that it is irrelevant.
-Paul Newman

Best gay quotes: Famous gay quotes #9

Straight Americans need... an education of the heart and soul. They must understand - to begin with - how it can feel to spend years denying your own deepest truths, to sit silently through classes, meals, and church services while people you love toss off remarks that brutalize your soul.
-Bruce Bawer

Best gay quotes: Famous gay quotes #10

People sometimes think I'm gay because I once played a gay in a movie. It's funny. Audiences don't think you're a murderer if you play a murderer, but they do think you're gay if you play a gay.
-Perry King

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Best Dirty Jokes: Funny Famous dirty jokes list 3

2009-08-20T13:00:00.000-07:00

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Alcohol and Hot Dogs. Best Dirty Jokes: Funny Famous dirty jokes

2009-08-20T12:37:00.000-07:00

Collection of the best dirty jokes of all times. Most are Famous and at the same time funny, but dirty. No naughty kids allowed.
Best Dirty Jokes: Funny Famous dirty jokes: Alcohol and Hot Dogs

Alcohol and Hot Dogs
One night two drunks were wandering the town trying to get drinks, but between the two of them, they only had a dollar and change. So the first drunk says, "Hey, I've got an idea - we put our money together and buy a hot dog."

The second drunk, looking at him puzzled, says, "What the hell? I don't want a hot dog; I want a goddamn drink!"

The first says, "I know. We buy the hot dog, stick it down the front of my pants, go into a bar and order our drinks. When the bartender tells us the price, you drop to your knees and suck the hot dog like you're sucking my dick - and the bartender will throw us out and we won't have to pay for anything!"

The second drunk says, "Well, it sounds like a good enough idea to me."

So they buy the hot dog and the first drunk sticks it down his pants. They go into a bar, order two whiskeys, and when the bartender tells them the price, the second drunk drops to his knees and sucks on the hot dog. The bartender throws them out and tells them not to come back.

The drunks go on to hit 19 bars. Finally, the second drunk says, "We've got to switch places 'cause my knees hurt from dropping to the floor."

The first drunk says, "You think that's bad? I lost the hot dog in the third bar!"

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Smart Harry. Best Dirty Jokes: Funny Famous dirty jokes

2009-08-20T12:35:00.000-07:00

Collection of the best dirty jokes of all times. Most are Famous and at the same time funny, but dirty. No naughty kids allowed.
Best Dirty Jokes: Funny Famous dirty jokes: Smart Harry

Smart Harry
A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students.

The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"

Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

Harry: "9".

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"

Harry: "36".

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade."

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions." The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?" Harry, after a moment: "Legs."

Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?" The principal wondered, why would she ask such a question! Harry replied: "Pockets."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?" Harry: "Pants"

Ms. Brooks: What's starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?

Harry: "Coconut."

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?" The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer.

Harry: "Bubble gum"

Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"

Harry: "Shake hands."

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"

Harry: "Firetruck"

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong......

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Tarzan...Jane. Best Dirty Jokes: Funny Famous dirty jokes

2009-08-20T12:33:00.000-07:00

Collection of the best dirty jokes of all times. Most are Famous and at the same time funny, but dirty. No naughty kids allowed.
Best Dirty Jokes: Funny Famous dirty jokes: Tarzan...Jane

Tarzan...Jane
One day Jane met Tarzan in the jungle. She was very attracted to him, and during her questions about his life she asked him what he did about sex.

"What's that?" he asked.

She explained to him what sex was and he said, "Oh, Tarzan use a hole in the trunk of tree!"

Horrified, she said, "Tarzan you have it all wrong! I'll show you how to do it properly."

She took off her clothes, dropped to the ground and spread her legs wide.

"Here," she said, "You must put it in here."

Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer, and then gave her an almighty kick in the crotch. Jane rolled around in agony.

Eventually she managed to gasp, "What the hell did you do that for?"

"Tarzan check for bees first!"

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Husband Cybering? Best Dirty Jokes: Funny Famous dirty jokes

2009-08-20T12:32:00.000-07:00

Collection of the best dirty jokes of all times. Most are Famous and at the same time funny, but dirty. No naughty kids allowed.
Best Dirty Jokes: Funny Famous dirty jokes: Husband Cybering?

Husband Cybering?
10) He is getting amazingly fast at typing with 1 hand!
9) After signing off she always has a cigarette!
8) After she gets off, the screen's all fogged up!
7) During sex he screams, "a: \ enter insert!"
6) After he uses the computer, the seat is all sticky!
5) Your fax is filled with some guy's ass!
4) The INSERT key on your keyboard is all worn out!
3) The only 3 keys that aren't stiff are: S, E, X!
2) The keyboard is moist!
1) She comes home with a rubber+- inflatable disk drive!

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Dumb and Dumber. Best Dirty Jokes: Funny Famous dirty jokes

2009-08-20T12:30:00.000-07:00

Collection of the best dirty jokes of all times. Most are Famous and at the same time funny, but dirty. No naughty kids allowed.
Best Dirty Jokes: Funny Famous dirty jokes: Dumb and Dumber

Dumb and Dumber
A father, mother, and son were going to Europe and were going to visit the nude beaches while they were there.

They didn't want the son to get a distorted view of beauty, so they told him, "The men with really big dicks and the girls with really, really big boobs were both really, really dumb."

When they got to the beach they split up. Later the mother saw the son and asked where his dad was.

The boy said, ''Well, the last time I saw him he was talking to this really, really, dumb blonde, and the longer they talked, the dumber he got.''

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Good Thinking. Best Dirty Jokes: Funny Famous dirty jokes

2009-08-20T12:29:00.000-07:00

Collection of the best dirty jokes of all times. Most are Famous and at the same time funny, but dirty. No naughty kids allowed.
Best Dirty Jokes: Funny Famous dirty jokes: Good Thinking

Good Thinking
A teacher asks her class, "If there are five birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little Johnny.

"None, they all fly away with the first gunshot."

The teacher replies, "The correct answer is four, but I like your thinking." Then Little Johnny says, "I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream. One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?"

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, "Well I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."

"The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on... but I like your thinking."

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Shaking it Up. Best Dirty Jokes: Funny Famous dirty jokes

2009-08-20T12:26:00.000-07:00

Collection of the best dirty jokes of all times. Most are Famous and at the same time funny, but dirty. No naughty kids allowed.
Best Dirty Jokes: Funny Famous dirty jokes: Shaking it Up

Shaking it Up
An old woman goes in to a sex shop, shaking. "Sir," she says in a shaky voice, "do you sell vibrators?" "Yes, ma'am." "And are they this big around and this long?" she asks in a shaky voice. "Yes, ma'am." "And they're $22.95?" she asks in a shaky voice. "Yes, ma'am." "How do you turn them off?"

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Nightgown. Best Dirty Jokes: Funny Famous dirty jokes

2009-08-20T12:25:00.000-07:00

Collection of the best dirty jokes of all times. Most are Famous and at the same time funny, but dirty. No naughty kids allowed.
Best Dirty Jokes: Funny Famous dirty jokes: Nightgown

Nightgown
A man and wife were celebrating their 50-year anniversary, so the man bought his wife a $250 see-through nightgown.

Later that night she was getting ready for bed and realized the nightgown was still in the box downstairs. Walking naked through the house, she passed her husband who said, "My word, for $250 they could've at least ironed it!"

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The Worst. Best Dirty Jokes: Funny Famous dirty jokes

2009-08-20T12:23:00.000-07:00

Collection of the best dirty jokes of all times. Most are Famous and at the same time funny, but dirty. No naughty kids allowed.
Best Dirty Jokes: Funny Famous dirty jokes: The Worst

The Worst
One night, three guys are at a bar talking and they all think their wives are cheating on them.

The first guy says he thinks his wife is screwing a plumber because he found a tool belt under his bed.

They all agree, and the second guy tells his story. He says he thinks his wife is screwing a judge because he found a robe and gavel under his bed.

They all agree, and then the third guy says, "That's nothing! My wife is the worst! I came home and found a cowboy under my bed. I can't believe she's screwing a horse."

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Worth It. Best Dirty Jokes: Funny Famous dirty jokes

2009-08-20T12:19:00.000-07:00

Collection of the best dirty jokes of all times. Most are Famous and at the same time funny, but dirty. No naughty kids allowed.
Best Dirty Jokes: Funny Famous dirty jokes: Worth It

Worth It
An Egyptian man is walking through the Cairo bazaar, when a stranger comes up to him and offers to sell Viagra (illegal in Egypt) for 100 Egyptian pounds.

"No, not worth it!"

"OK, how about 50 Egyptian pounds?"

"No, not worth it!"

"OK, 20?"

"No, not worth it!"

"How about 10?"

"No, not worth it!"

"Listen, these pills cost US $10 each. How can you say they are not worth it?"

"Oh, the pills ARE worth it. My wife is not worth it."

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Coma. Best Dirty Jokes: Funny Famous dirty jokes

2009-08-20T12:15:00.000-07:00

Collection of the best dirty jokes of all times. Most are Famous and at the same time funny, but dirty. No naughty kids allowed.
Best Dirty Jokes: Funny Famous dirty jokes: Coma

Coma
When the nurse was bathing a female patient who had been in a coma for many months, she noticed a reaction when placing a sponge between her legs. When the doctor was notified, he called the husband and asked him to report to the hospital immediately. Upon his arrival the doctor explained that the nurse had seen a reaction when her private parts were stimulated. He suggested that the husband should have oral sex with her because it might lead to improvement in her condition. After about 15 minutes the husband came out of her room and announced that she was dead!

"How did that happen?" asked the doctor.

"I think she choked to death," said the husband.

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Best Dirty Jokes: Funny Famous dirty jokes list 2

2009-08-20T12:06:00.001-07:00

Collection of the best dirty jokes of all times. Most are Famous and at the same time funny, but dirty. No naughty kids allowed.

List of Best Dirty Jokes: Funny Famous dirty jokes of all times:

Coma

Shaking it Up

Nightgown

Husband Cybering?

Tarzan...Jane

Good Thinking

The Worst

Worth It

Smart Harry

Dumb and Dumber

1 << Previous dirty jokes | More dirty jokes >> 3

The Horny Husband's Plot. Best Dirty Jokes: Funny Famous dirty jokes

2009-08-20T11:45:00.000-07:00

Collection of the best dirty jokes of all times. Most are Famous and at the same time funny, but dirty. No naughty kids allowed.
Best Dirty Jokes: Funny Famous dirty jokes: The Horny Husband's Plot

The Horny Husband's Plot
A husband feeling a bit horny goes to the bathroom and returns with 4 aspirin and a glass of water for his wife.
He says, "Here honey, here are some aspirin and a some water."
She replied, "but honey I do not have a headache!"
He replied, "Thank God!"
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An Accidental Encounter. Best Dirty Jokes: Funny Famous dirty jokes

2009-08-20T11:40:00.000-07:00

Collection of the best dirty jokes of all times. Most are Famous and at the same time funny, but dirty. No naughty kids allowed.
Best Dirty Jokes: Funny Famous dirty jokes: An Accidental Encounter

An Accidental Encounter
A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast.
They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me."
She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 436."
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An Innocent Enough Enquiry. Best Dirty Jokes: Funny Famous dirty jokes

2009-08-20T11:39:00.000-07:00

Collection of the best dirty jokes of all times. Most are Famous and at the same time funny, but dirty. No naughty kids allowed.
Best Dirty Jokes: Funny Famous dirty jokes: An Innocent Enough Enquiry

An Innocent Enough Enquiry
A guy walks into an elevator and stands next to a beautiful woman. After a few minutes he turns to her and says, "Can I smell your pussy?"
The woman looks at him in disgust and says, "Certainly not!"
"Hmmm," he replies. "It must be your feet, then."
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Desperate Measures. Best Dirty Jokes: Funny Famous dirty jokes

2009-08-20T11:37:00.000-07:00

Collection of the best dirty jokes of all times. Most are Famous and at the same time funny, but dirty. No naughty kids allowed.
Best Dirty Jokes: Funny Famous dirty jokes: Desperate Measures.

Desperate Measures.
A couple were having financial problems until finally they couldn't stand it any more. The husband said to his wife that is was necessary for her to make some money through prostitution to get by.
So the husband drove her to the place where she had to do the job and in the evening he picked her up again.
"So, how much have you earned today?" the husband asked.
"Well", the woman responded, "I've made one hundred dollars and fifty cents."
"That's strange", the husband responded, "who gave you the fifty cents?"
Said the woman: "All of them, of course!"
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Take Your Choice. Best Dirty Jokes: Funny Famous dirty jokes

2009-08-20T11:36:00.000-07:00

Collection of the best dirty jokes of all times. Most are Famous and at the same time funny, but dirty. No naughty kids allowed.
Best Dirty Jokes: Funny Famous dirty jokes: Take Your Choice.

Take Your Choice
A husband, one bright sunny morning, turns to his lovely wife, "Wife, we're going fishing this weekend, you, me and the dog."
The wife grimaces, "But I don't like fishing!"
"Look! We're going fishing and that's final."
"Do I have to go fishing with you... I really don't want to go!"
"Right I'll give you three choices... 1 You come fishing with me and the dog... 2 You give me a BLOW JOB.... 3 or you take it up the ass!"
The wife grimaces again, "But I don't want to do any of those things!"
"Wife I've given you three options.. You'll HAVE to do one of them! I'm going to the garage to sort out my fishing tackle, when I come back I expect you to have made up your mind!"
The wife sits and thinks about it.
Twenty minutes later her husband comes back, "Well! What have you decided? FISHING with me and the dog, BLOW JOB, or ass?"
The wife complains some more and finally makes up her mind, "O.K. I'll give you a blow job!"
"Great!" He says and drops his pants. The wife is on her knees doing the business. Suddenly she stops, looks up at her Husband, "Oh! It tastes absolutely disgusting... It tastes all shitty!"
"Yes!" says her husband "The dog didn't want to go fishing either."
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Admiring Our Own Work. Best Dirty Jokes: Funny Famous dirty jokes

2009-08-20T11:34:00.000-07:00

Collection of the best dirty jokes of all times. Most are Famous and at the same time funny, but dirty. No naughty kids allowed.
Best Dirty Jokes: Funny Famous dirty jokes: Admiring Our Own Work.

Admiring Our Own Work
Pianist was hired to play background music for a movie. When it was completed he asked when and where he could see the picture. The producer sheepishly confessed that it was actually a porno film and it was due out in a month.
A month later, the musician went to a porno theater to see it. With his collar up and dark glasses on, he took a seat in the back row, next to a couple who also seemed to be in disguise.
The movie was even raunchier than he had feared, featuring group sex, S/M and even a dog.
After a while, the embarrassed pianist turned to the couple and said, "I'm only here to listen to the music."
"Yeah?" replied the man. "We're only here to see our dog."
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The Mailman's Retirement. Best Dirty Jokes: Funny Famous dirty jokes

2009-08-20T11:31:00.000-07:00

Collection of the best dirty jokes of all times. Most are Famous and at the same time funny, but dirty. No naughty kids allowed.
Best Dirty Jokes: Funny Famous dirty jokes: The Mailman's Retirement

The Mailman's Retirement.
It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.
When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.
At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.
At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.
When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.
As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"
"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you."
He said, "Fuck him, give him a dollar."
The lady then said, "The breakfast was my idea."

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A Distinct Lack Of Imagination. Best Dirty Jokes: Funny Famous dirty jokes

2009-08-20T11:24:00.000-07:00

Collection of the best dirty jokes of all times. Most are Famous and at the same time funny, but dirty. No naughty kids allowed.
Best Dirty Jokes: Funny Famous dirty jokes: A Distinct Lack Of Imagination

A Distinct Lack Of Imagination
There was a guy riding through the desert on his camel. He had been traveling so long that he felt the need to have sex. Obviously there were no women in the desert so the man turned to his camel.
He tried to position himself to have sex with his camel but the camel ran away. The man ran to catch up to the camel and got back on and started to ride again. Soon he was feeling the urge to have sex again so once again he turned to his camel. The camel refused by running away. So he caught up to it again and go on it again.
Finally after riding the camel through the whole desert the man came to a road. There was a broken down car with three big chested beautiful blonde sitting in it.
He went up to them and asked the women if they needed any help.
The hottest girl said ,"If you fix our car we will do anything you want."
The man luckily knew a thing or two about cars and fixed it in a flash.
When he finished are three girls asked, "How could we ever repay you Mr."
After thinking for a short while he replied,"Could you hold my camel?"

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Construction Site Sign Language Best Dirty Jokes: Funny Famous dirty jokes

2009-08-20T11:19:00.000-07:00

Best Dirty Jokes: Funny Famous dirty jokes: Construction Site Sign Language

Construction Site Sign Language
There was this construction worker on the 3rd floor of this unfinished building. He needed a hand saw, but was too lazy to go down and get it himself, so he tried to call his fellow worker on the ground to get it for him, but this guy could not hear a word he said. So he started to give a sign so the guy on the ground could understand him.
First he pointed at his eyes (meaning "I") then pointed at his knees (meaning "need), and moved his hand back and forth describing the movement of a hand saw.
Finally, the guy on the ground started nodding his head like he understood and dropped his pants and started to jerk off.
The guy on the 3rd floor got pissed-off and ran down to the ground and started yelling at this guy, "You idiot, I was trying to tell you I needed a hand saw."
The other guy replied, "I know, I was trying to tell you that I was coming."

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Vengence Is Mine! Best Dirty Jokes: Funny Famous dirty jokes

2009-08-20T11:07:00.000-07:00

Best Dirty Jokes: Funny Famous dirty jokes: Vengence Is Mine!

Vengence Is Mine!
One day a construction worker left the job a little early, and when he got home he found his wife in bed with another man. Purple with rage, he hauled the man down the stairs and into the garage where he proceeded to secure his dick in a vice.
Utterly terrified, the man screamed, "Stop, stop! you're not going to cut it off, are you? ARE YOU?"
"Nope," replied the construction worker, "You are...I'm going to set the garage on fire."

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Best Dirty Jokes: Funny Famous dirty jokes list

2009-08-20T11:04:00.000-07:00

Collection of the best dirty jokes of all times. Most are Famous and at the same time funny, but dirty. No naughty kids allowed.

List of Best Dirty Jokes: Funny Famous dirty jokes of all times:

A Distinct Lack Of Imagination

The Mailman's Retirement

Admiring Our Own Work

Vengence Is Mine

Construction Site Sign Language

Desperate Measures

An Accidental Encounter

An Innocent Enough Enquiry

The Horny Husband's Plot

Take Your Choice

More Dirty jokes >>

Can you Guess Famous Lines: Best quotes and best jokes

2009-08-20T09:32:00.000-07:00

Can you Guess Famous Lines: Best quotes and best jokes

These are the answers to the "can you guess famous lines":

"There is no charge for awesomeness or _________"
- Kung Fu Panda -
Answer: attractiveness
"There is no charge for awesomeness or attractiveness"
- Kung Fu Panda -

3 Blondes : Best Blonde Jokes

2009-08-15T15:03:00.000-07:00

Best Blonde Jokes : Best Jokes and Best Quotes
Collection of personal Best blonde jokes of all times.

3 Blondes : Best Blonde Jokes

3 Blondes

A Policeman was drilling 3 blondes, who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the 1st blonde a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The first blonde answers " That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye"

The policeman says "Well...Uh.. that's because the picture shows his profile" Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second blonde and asked her "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The second blonde giggles, flips her hair and says "Ha! He'd be easy to catch because he only has one ear!"

The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two? Of course only one eye and ear are showing because it's a picture of his profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?" Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third blonde and in a very testy voice asks "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" He adds quickly "....think hard before giving a stupid answer"

The Blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment and says "HMMMM... the suspect is wearing contact lenses."

The policeman is surprised and speechless, because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not. "Well, that is a good answer.. wait here for a few minutes while I check his file, and I'll get back to you on that" He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file in his computer and comes back with a beaming smile on his face.

"WoW! I can't believe it...it's TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contacts lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?"

"That's easy" the blonde replied. "He can't wear glasses because he only has one eye and one ear!"

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The Execution : Best Blonde Jokes

2009-08-15T15:02:00.000-07:00

Best Blonde Jokes : Best Jokes and Best Quotes
Collection of personal Best blonde jokes of all times.

The Execution : Best Blonde Jokes

The Execution

Three women are about to be executed. One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde.

The guard brings the brunette forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.

She says no and the executioner shouts, "Ready!...Aim!! ..."

Suddenly the brunette yells, "EARTHQUAKE!!!"

Everyone is startled and looks around while she escapes.

The guard brings the redhead forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.

She say no and the executioner shouts, "Ready! ... Aim!!..."

Suddenly the redhead yells, "TORNADO!!!"

Everyone is startled and looks around while she escapes.

By now the blonde has it all figured out. The guard brings her forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.

She says no and the executioner shouts, Ready! ...Aim!! ..."

Suddenly the blonde yells, "FIRE!!!"

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Why she was So blonde : Best Blonde Jokes

2009-08-15T15:01:00.000-07:00

Best Blonde Jokes : Best Jokes and Best Quotes
Collection of personal Best blonde jokes of all times.

Why she was So blonde : Best Blonde Jokes

Why she was So blonde?

She spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said "concentrate".

She put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.

She got stabbed in a shoot-out.

She told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DONT WALK".

She thought TuPac Shakur was a Jewish holiday.

She tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.

She sent me a fax with a stamp on it.

She tried to drown a fish.

She thought a quarterback was a refund.

She got locked in a grocery store and starved to death.

If you gave her a penny for intelligence, you'd get change back.

They had to burn the school down to get her out of third grade.

Under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked On Phonics."

She tripped over a cordless phone.

She took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.

At the bottom of the application where it says "sign here".. she put "Sagittarius."

She asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.

It takes her two hours to watch 60 Minutes.

If she spoke her mind, she'd probably be speechless.

She studied for a blood test and failed.

She thought Boyz II Men was a daycare center.

She thought Meow Mix was a record for cats.

She thought she needed a token to get on Soul Train.

She sold the car for gas money.

When she saw the "NC-17" (under 17 not admitted), she went home and got 16 friends.

When she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.

She thinks Taco Bell is where you pay your phone bill.

When she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.

When she took you to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left" she turned around and went home.

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A blonde at bank : Best Blonde Jokes

2009-08-15T15:00:00.000-07:00

Best Blonde Jokes : Best Jokes and Best Quotes
Collection of personal Best blonde jokes of all times.

A blonde at bank : Best Blonde Jokes

A blonde at bank

A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the Loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.

The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Mercedes Benz SL 500.

The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car collateral for the loan.

The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blond for using a $110,000 Benz as collateral against a $5,000 loan.

An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Benz into the bank's underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.

The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire.

What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"

The blonde replies, "Where else in New York City can I park my Car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"

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A Blonde's Brain At Work : Best Blonde Jokes

2009-08-15T14:58:00.000-07:00

Best Blonde Jokes : Best Jokes and Best Quotes
Collection of personal Best blonde jokes of all times.

A Blonde's Brain At Work : Best Blonde Jokes

A Blonde's Brain At Work

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all work at the same office for a female boss who always goes home early.

"Hey, girls," says the brunette, "let's go home early tomorrow. She'll never know."

So the next day, they all leave right after the boss does. The brunette gets some extra gardening done, the redhead goes to a bar, and the blonde goes home to find her husband having sex with the female boss! She quietly sneaks out of the house and returns at her normal time.

"That was fun," says the brunette. "We should do it again sometime."

"No way," says the blonde. "I almost got caught."

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How much the TV costs : Best Blonde Jokes

2009-08-15T14:57:00.000-07:00

Best Blonde Jokes : Best Jokes and Best Quotes
Collection of personal Best blonde jokes of all times.

How much the TV costs : Best Blonde Jokes

How much the TV costs

A blonde went to eletronic store and she asked, "How is much is this TV?"

The salesman said, "Sorry, we don''t sell to blondes."

The next day she came back as a brunette. She asked the salesman how much the TV was. He said, "Sorry, we don''t sell to blondes."

The next day she came back as a red head and asked the salesman how much the TV was. He said, "Sorry we don''t sell to blondes."

She replied, " I came in here as a brunette and a red head. How do you know I am a blonde?"

"Because that is not a TV, it''s a microwave."

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Blonde and the Sheepherder : Best Blonde Jokes

2009-08-15T14:56:00.000-07:00

Best Blonde Jokes : Best Jokes and Best Quotes
Collection of personal Best blonde jokes of all times.

Blonde and the Sheepherder : Best Blonde Jokes

Blonde and the Sheepherder

Once upon a time there was a blonde. She had long, blonde hair, blue eyes, and she was sick of all the blonde jokes. One day, she decided to get a make over, so she cut and dyed her hair. She also went out and bought a new convertible.

She went driving down a country road and came across a herd of sheep. She stopped and called the sheepherder over. "That's a nice flock of sheep.", she said.

"Well thank you.", said the herder.

"Tell you what. I have a proposition for you.", said the woman.

"Okay.", replied the herder.

"If I can guess the exact number of sheep in your flock, can I take one home?", asked the woman.

"Sure.", said the sheep herder. So, the girl sat up and looked at the herd for a second and then replied, "382".

"Wow.", said the herder. "That is exactly right. Go ahead and pick out the sheep you want to take home."

So the woman went and picked one out and put it in her car. Upon watching this, the herder approached the woman and offered, "Okay, now I have a proposition for you".

"What is it?", queried the woman.

"If I can guess the real color of your hair... can I have my dog back?"

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Blind Man and Blonde Joke : Best Blonde Jokes

2009-08-15T14:54:00.000-07:00

Best Blonde Jokes : Best Jokes and Best Quotes
Collection of personal Best blonde jokes of all times.

Blind Man and Blonde Joke : Best Blonde Jokes

Blind Man and Blonde Joke

A blind man and his guide dog enter a bar and find their way to a barstool. After ordering a drink, and sitting there for a while, the blind guy yells to the bartender,

"Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke ?"

The bar immediately becomes absolutely quiet. In a husky, deep voice, the woman next to him says,

"Before you tell that joke, you should know something.The bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde, and I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb.blonde with a black belt in karate. What's more, the woman sitting next to me is blonde and she's a weight lifter. The lady to your right is a blonde, and she's a wrestler. Think about it seriously, Mister. You still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it nine times."

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A Smart Blonde : Best Blonde Jokes

2009-08-15T14:52:00.000-07:00

Best Blonde Jokes : Best Jokes and Best Quotes
Collection of personal Best blonde jokes of all times.

A Smart Blonde : Best Blonde Jokes

A Smart Blonde

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vise versa."

Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep.

The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00."

This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"

The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer. "Okay, " says the lawyer, "your turn".

She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?"

The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mail to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.00.

The blonde says, "Thank you, " and turns back to get some more sleep.

The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?"

Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.

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Blonde at School : Best Blonde Jokes

2009-08-15T14:49:00.000-07:00

Blonde at School : Best Blonde Jokes
Collection of personal Best blonde jokes of all times.

Blonde at School

A girl came skipping home from school one day. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6,7, 8, 9, 10!"

"Very good," said her mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"

"Yes, it's because you're blonde," her mother replied.

The next day, the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!"

"Very good," said her mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"

"Yes, pumpkin, it's because you're blonde."

The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!"

And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs.

"Very good," said her embarrassed mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?"

"No, it's because you're 25."

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Best Blonde Jokes : Best Jokes and Best Quotes

2009-08-15T14:36:00.000-07:00

Best Blonde Jokes : Best Jokes and Best Quotes
Collection of personal Best blonde jokes of all times.

My pictures

2009-08-15T14:28:00.000-07:00

Best Valentine's day quotes : Top famous valentine's day quotes list

2009-08-10T12:15:00.000-07:00

Best Valentine's day quotes. Collection of the Top famous valentine's day quotes and quotations.

The list is not in order

Best Valentines day quote #11

"Never judge someone by who he's in love with; judge him by his friends. People fall in love with the most appalling people. Take a cool, appraising glance at his pals."
-Cynthia Heimel-

Best Valentines day quote #12

"To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance."
-Oscar Wilde-

Best Valentines day quote #13

Give me a kisse, and to that kisse a score;
Then to that twenty, adde a hundred more;
A thousand to that hundred; so kisse on,
To make that thousand up a million;
Treble that million, and when that is done,
Let's kisse afresh, as when we first begun.
-Robert Herrick-

Best Valentines day quote #14

For twas not into my ear you whispered
But into my heart
Twas not my lips you kissed
But my soul
-Judy Garland-

Best Valentines day quote #15

Tell me how many beads there are
In a silver chain
Of evening rain,
Unravelled from the tumbling main,
And threading the eye of a yellow star:
So many times do I love again.
-Thomas Lovell Beddoes-

Best Valentines day quote #16

Love is much nicer to be in than an automobile accident, a tight girdle, a higher tax bracket, or a holding pattern over Philadelphia.
- Judith Viorst-

Best Valentines day quote #17

Love unlocks doors and opens windows that weren't even there before.
-Mignon McLaughlin-

Best Valentines day quote #18

When you're in love you never really know whether your elation comes from the qualities of the one you love, or if it attributes them to her; whether the light which surrounds her like a halo comes from you, from her, or from the meeting of your sparks.
-Natalie Clifford Barney-

Best Valentines day quote #19

A bell is no bell 'til you ring it,
A song is no song 'til you sing it,
And love in your heart
Wasn’t put there to stay
Love isn’t love
'Til you give it away.
-Oscar Hammerstein-

Best Valentines day quote #20

Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties.
-Jules Renard-

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Best Valentine's day quotes : Top famous valentine's day quotes

2009-08-10T11:54:00.000-07:00

Best Valentine's day quotes. Collection of the Top famous valentine's day quotes and quotations.

The list is not in order

Best Valentines day quote #1

"Life is a flower of which love is the honey."
-Victor Hugo-

Best Valentines day quote #2

"Love is a perfume you cannot pour onto others without getting a few drops on yourself."
-Emerson-

Best Valentines day quote #3

"What would it be like to swing on a star, or walk on a cloud? Would it be anything like what I feel whenever you are near?"
-Anonymous-

Best Valentines day quote #4

"I don't understand why Cupid was chosen to represent Valentine's Day. When I think about romance, the last thing on my mind is a short, chubby toddler coming at me with a weapon. "
-Anonymous-

Best Valentines day quote #5

"Love, a wildly misunderstood although highly desirable malfunction of the heart which weakens the brain, causes eyes to sparkle, cheeks to glow, blood pressure to rise and the lips to pucker. "
-Anonymous-

Best Valentines day quote #6

"Many are the starrs I see, but in my eye no starr like thee."
-Anonymous-

Best Valentines day quote #7

"The hours I spend with you I look upon as sort of a perfumed garden, a dim twilight, and a fountain singing to it. You and you alone make me feel that I am alive. Other men it is said have seen angels, but I have seen thee and thou art enough. "
-George Moore-

Best Valentines day quote #8

"Sometimes we make love with our eyes. Sometimes we make love with our hands. Sometimes we make love with our bodies. Always we make love with our hearts. "
-Anonymous-

Best Valentines day quote #9

"How did it happen that their lips came together? How does it happen that birds sing, that snow melts, that the rose unfolds, that the dawn whitens behind the stark shapes of trees on the quivering summit of the hill? A kiss, and all was said. "
-Victor Hugo-

Best Valentines day quote #10

"Love is the enchanted dawn of every heart."
-Lamartine-

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Special Day Quotes : Best special day quotes and sayings

2009-08-10T11:01:00.000-07:00

Best Special day quotes of all times category:

Best Christmas day quotes and sayings
Best New Years day quotes and sayings
Best Valentines day quotes and sayings
Best Holloween quotes and sayings
Best Mothers day quotes and sayings
Best Fathers day quotes and sayings

Top famous quotes and jokes: Top lawyers jokes: Witness Interviews Gone Bad

2009-08-08T15:20:00.000-07:00

Collection of Top Lawyer jokes in the internet: The list is not in order

These are actual courtroom conversation. LOL Lawyers trying to confuse there victims and sounding stupid...

Witness Interviews Gone Bad

Top famous Lawyer joke #1
"The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?"

Top famous Lawyer joke #2
"Were you present when your picture was taken?"

Top famous Lawyer joke #3
"Did he kill you?"

Top famous Lawyer joke #4
"Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?"

Top famous Lawyer jokes #5
Q: "You say the stairs went down to the basement?" A: "Yes." Q: "And these stairs, did they go up also?"

Best GAY quotes and jokes

2009-08-06T14:53:00.000-07:00

The Top 10 Best GAY quotes and jokes of all times.

Best GAY quotes #1

"Gay robbers came in last night and rearranged the living room"
by Robin Williams

Best GAY quotes #2

“It's a lot easier being black than gay. At least if you're black you don't have to tell your parents.”
by Judy Carter

Best GAY quotes #3

"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night."
by Woody Allen

Best GAY quotes #4

Mad about the boy, It's pretty funny but I'm mad about the boy. He has a gayappeal That makes me feel There may be something sad about the boy.
by Coward

Best GAY quotes #5

My hope is that gays will be running the world, because then there would be no more war. Just a greater emphasis on military apparel.
by Rosanne Barr

Best GAY quotes #6

“A gay male never gets over the idea the he is a thing of beauty, and a boy forever!”
by Anonymous

Best GAY quotes #7

"As long as society is anti-gay, then it will seem like being gay is anti-social."
by Joseph Francis

Best GAY quotes #8

"Just by being out you're doing your part. It's like recycling. You're doing your part for the environment if you recycle; you're doing your part for the gay movement if you're out."
--Tennis champ Martina Navratilova to San Francisco Bay Times.

Best GAY quotes #9

"I'm an openly gay trailer-trash Mexican. How could they not love me?"
by Ice-skating national champion Rudy Galindo.

Best GAY quotes #10

Gay icons usually have some tragedy in their lives, but I've only had tragic haircuts and outfits.
by Kylie Minogue

More best gay quotes from the famous gay qutoes collection

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Top funniest NAUGHTY Joke #1: A girl's first time

2009-08-01T01:42:00.000-07:00

Top ten of the funniest naughty jokes of all times Champion: A girl's first time

As you lie back your muscles tighten. You put him off for a while searching for an excuse, but he refuses to be swayed as he approaches you.

He asks if you're afraid and you shake your head bravely. He has had more experience, but it's the first time his finger has found the right place.

He probes deeply and you shiver; your body tenses; but he's gentle like he promised he'd be.

He looks deeply within your eyes and tells you to trust him-he's done this many times before.

His cool smile relaxes you and you open wider to give him more room for an ease entrance. You begin to plead and beg him to hurry, but he slowly takes his time, wanting to cause you as little pain as possible. As he presses closer, going deeper, you feel the tissue give way; pain surges throughout your body and you feel the slight trickle of blood as he continues. He looks at you concerned and asks you if it's too painful. Your eyes are filled with tears but you shake your head and nod for him to go on. He begins going in and out with skill but you are now too numb to feel him within you.

After a few moments, you feel something bursting within you and he pulls it out of you, you lay panting, glad to have it over. He looks at you and smiling warmly, tells you, with a chuckle; that you have been his most stubborn yet most rewarding experience.

You smile and thank your dentist. After all, it was your first time to have a tooth pulled.

Top 10 funniest naughty jokes table of contents

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Top funniest NAUGHTY Joke #2: Love dress

2009-08-01T01:41:00.000-07:00

Top ten of the funniest naughty jokes of all times 2nd placer: Love dress

A woman stopped by unannounced at her recently married son's house. She rang the doorbell and walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing and the aroma of perfume filled the room.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work," the daughter-in-law said. "I am wearing my love dress."

"Love dress? But you're naked!" said the mother-in-law.

"My husband loves me to wear this dress," she explained. "It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me."

The mother-in-law got the idea and left. When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive. Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"This is my love dress" she whispered, sensually.

"Needs ironing," he said.

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Top funniest NAUGHTY Joke #3: A Professional Gambler

2009-08-01T01:39:00.000-07:00

Top ten of the funniest naughty jokes of all times 3rd placer: A Professional Gambler

During the Great Depression, there was a man who walked into a bar one day. He went up to the bartender and said, "Bartender, I'd like to buy the house a round of drinks."

The bartender said, "That's fine, but we're in the middle of the Depression, so I'll need to see some money first."

The guy pulled out a huge wad of bills and set them on the bar. The bartender can't believe what he's seeing. "Where did you get all that money?" asked the bartender.

"I'm a professional gambler," replied the man.

The bartender said, "There's no such thing! I mean, your odds are fifty-fifty at best, right?"

"Well, I only bet on sure things," said the guy.

"Like what?" asked the bartender.

"Well, for example, I'll bet you fifty dollars that I can bite my right eye," he said.

The bartender thought about it. "Okay," he said.

So, the guy pulled out his false right eye and bit it. "Aw, you screwed me," said the bartender, and paid the guy his $50.

"I'll give you another chance. I'll bet you another fifty dollars that I can bite my left eye," said the stranger.

The bartender thought again and said, "Well, I know you're not blind, I mean, I watched you walk in here. I'll take that bet." So, the guy pulled out his false teeth and bit his left eye.

"Aw, you screwed me again!" protested the bartender.

"That's how I win so much money, bartender. I'll just take a bottle of your best scotch in lieu of the fifty dollars," said the man.

With that, the guy went to the back room and spent the better part of the night playing cards with some of the locals. After many hours of drinking and card playing, he stumbled up to the bar. Drunk as a skunk, he said, "Bartender, I'll give you one last chance. I'll bet you five hundred dollars that I can stand on this bar on one foot and piss into that whiskey bottle on that shelf behind you without spilling a drop."

The bartender once again pondered the bet. The guy couldn't even stand up straight on two feet, much less one. "Okay, you're on," he said.

The guy climbed up on the bar, stood on one leg, and began pissing all over the place. He hit the bar, the bartender, himself, but not a drop made it into the whiskey bottle.

The bartender was ecstatic. Laughing, the bartender said, "Hey pal, you owe me five hundred dollars!"

The guy climbed down off the bar and said, "That's okay. I just bet each of the guys in the card room a thousand bucks each that I could piss all over you and the bar and still make you laugh!"

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Top funniest NAUGHTY Joke #4: A helping hand

2009-08-01T01:36:00.000-07:00

Top ten of the funniest naughty jokes of all times 4th placer: A helping hand

Harry and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide that she'll become a hooker.

She's not quite sure what to do, so Harry says, "Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him that you charge a hundred bucks. If you got a question, I'll be parked around the corner."

She's standing there for 5 minutes when a guy pulls up and asks, "How much?" She says, "A hundred dollars."

He says, "All I got is thirty". She says, "Hold on," and runs back to Harry and asks, "What can he get for thirty?"

"A hand job", Harry reply.

She runs back and tells the guy all he gets for thirty dollar is a hand job. He agrees. She gets in the car. He unzips his pants, and out pops this HUGE ….
She stares at it for a minute, and then says, "I'll be right back." She runs back to Harry, and asks, "Can you loan this guy seventy bucks?"

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Top funniest NAUGHTY Joke #5: Blind man

2009-08-01T01:34:00.000-07:00

Top ten of the funniest naughty jokes of all times 5th placer: Blind man

A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu.

"I'm sorry sir, but I am blind, and can't read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer, I'll smell it and order from there."

A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man's table and hands it to him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath. "Ah, yes that's what I'll have, meatloaf and mashed potatoes."

Unbelievable, the owner says to himself as he walks towards the kitchen. The cook happens to be the owner's wife and he tells her what had just happened. The blind man eats his meal and leaves.

Several days later the blind man returns and the owner mistakingly brings him a menu again. "Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man."

"I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a dirty fork."

The owner again retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man. After another deep breath, the blind man says, "That smells great, I'll take the Macarroni and chesse with broccoli.

Once again walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in he's going to test him.

The blind man eats and leaves.

He returns the following week, but this time the owner see's him coming and runs to the kitchen. He tells his wife, "Mary rub this fork on your panties before I take it to the blind man."

Mary complies and hands her husband the fork back. As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting.

"Good afternoon sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you."

The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff and says, "Hey I didn't know that Mary worked here?"

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Top funniest NAUGHTY Joke #6: Laughing Horse

2009-08-01T01:33:00.000-07:00

Top ten of the funniest naughty jokes of all times 6th placer: Laughing Horse

A man walks into a bar. On the bar sits a big jar of twenty dollar bills. The man asks the bartender,"What's the deal with the jar of money?"

"Well", the bartender says,"I've got a horse tied up in the stable out back. This horse has never laughed in his life. You put a twenty in the jar, then if you can make my horse laugh, You win all the money!"

The man puts his twenty in the jar, and goes out to the stable. He comes back just a few minutes later, and you can hear the horse laughing all the way inside. The man takes his money and leaves.

About a year later, he goes back to the bar, and they've got another jar of twenties there.

"What's the deal now?" He asks.

"Well",the bartender says,"That damn horse won't stop laughing! So the first person who can make my horse stop laughing wins the money!"

The man pays his twenty, and goes out to the stable. He returns a few minutes later, and the horse is bawling his eyes out. He picks up his money and is about to leave when the bartender stops him.

"Alright", he says,"You have won an awful lot of money from me and I want to know how you did it!!"

"Easy", he says,"I made him laugh by saying mine was bigger than his, and I made him cry by proving it!!"

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Top funniest NAUGHTY Joke #7: The strip dancer

2009-08-01T01:31:00.000-07:00

Top ten of the funniest naughty jokes of all times 7th placer: The strip dancer

The soldiers are tired and lonely after spending weeks in enemy territory. To entertain them, the Major called for this sexy dancer from the nearby town.

She came, danced and when the first dance was done, the soldiers went mad. They clapped for 5 minutes.

For her second number, she stripped and danced in sheer bra and G-string. This time the applause went for 10 minutes.

The next number she danced topless, and this time the applause went on and on. The Major had to come on stage and ask them to quiet down for the grand finale.

For her last number, she was to strip completely and dance naked. The Major expected the soldiers to make enough noise to bring the roof down. But ten minutes later, there is no clapping and the dancer comes backstage.

The Major asks her, "What happened? How come there was no clapping this time?"

She replied with a wicked smile, "Major, how do you expect those poor boys to clap with one hand?"
Great Music jokes

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Top funniest NAUGHTY Joke #8: Construction Workers

2009-08-01T01:29:00.000-07:00

Top ten of the funniest naughty jokes of all times 8th placer: Construction Workers

Construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw. So he spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but he can't hear him.

So the worker on the 5th floor tries sign language. He pointed to his eye meaning "I", pointed to his knee meaning "need", then moved his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion.

The man on the ground floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, whips out his chop and starts masturbating.

The worker on 5th floor gets so pissed off he runs down to the ground floor and says, "What the hell is your problem!!! I said I needed a hand saw!".

The other guy says, "I knew that! I was just trying to tell you - I'm coming!"

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Top funniest NAUGHTY Joke #9: A Priest and his cock rooster

2009-08-01T01:26:00.000-07:00

Top ten of the funniest naughty jokes of all times 9th placer: A Priest and his cock rooster

The priest in a small Irish village was very fond of the chickens he kept in the hen house out the back of the parish rectory. He had a cock rooster and about ten hens.

One Saturday night the cock rooster was missing and the priest suspected that was the time the cock fights occurred in the village.

So he decided to do something about it at church the next morning.

At Mass, he asked the congregation, "Has anybody got a cock?" All the men stood up.

"No, No," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?"

All the women stood up. "No, No," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them?"

Half the women stood up. "No, No," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen my cock?"

All the alter boys stood up.

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Top funniest NAUGHTY Joke #10: Four Catholic Women

2009-08-01T01:19:00.000-07:00

Top ten of the funniest naughty jokes of all times 10th placer: Four Catholic Women

Four Catholic Women

Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together, discussing how important their children are.

The first one tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."

The second Catholic woman chirps, "Well, my son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, ', 'Your Grace'."

The third Catholic woman says smugly, "Well, not to put you down, but my son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say 'Your Eminence'.

The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence. The first three women giver her this subtle "Well...?"

She replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6' 2" hard-bodied, well-hung, male stripper. Whenever he walks into a room, women just say, "Oh my God...."

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Top 10 funniest naughty jokes

2009-08-01T01:06:00.000-07:00

Here's a collection of the top 10 funniest NAUGHTY jokes of all times.

Top funniest NAUGHTY Joke #10: Four Catholic Women

Top funniest NAUGHTY Joke #9: A Priest and his cock rooster

Top funniest NAUGHTY Joke #8: Construction Workers

Top funniest NAUGHTY Joke #7: The strip dancer

Top funniest NAUGHTY Joke #6: Laughing Horse

Top funniest NAUGHTY Joke #5: Blind man

Top funniest NAUGHTY Joke #4: A helping hand

Top funniest NAUGHTY Joke #3: A Professional Gambler

Top funniest NAUGHTY Joke #2: Love dress

Top funniest NAUGHTY Joke #1: A girl's first time

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Top 10 Funny Quotes

2009-07-29T02:15:00.000-07:00

TOP 10 funny quotes of all times. These funny quotes are the best of the best funny quotes there is.

Top Funny Quote #1

I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don't know the answer.
~ Douglas Adams ~

Top Funny Quote #2

Ever notice how it's a penny for your thoughts, yet you put in your two-cents? Someone is making a penny on the deal!
~ Steven Wright ~

Top Funny Quote #3

With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.
~ Rodney Dangerfield ~

Top Funny Quote #4

The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
~ Andy Rooney ~

Top Funny Quote #5

A bank is a place where they lend you an umbrella in fair weather and ask for it back when it begins to rain.
~ Robert Frost ~

Top Funny Quote #5

You know the hardest thing about having cerebral palsy and being a woman "It's plucking your eyebrows". That's how I originally got pierced ears.
~ Geri Jewell ~

Top Funny Quote #6

My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.
~ Erma Bombeck ~

Top Funny Quote #7

Suburbia is where the developer bulldozes out the trees, then names the streets after them.
~ Bill Vaughan ~

Top Funny Quote #8

Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.
~ Unknown ~

Top Funny Quote #9

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
~ Will Rogers ~

Top Funny Quote #10

My mother buried three husbands, and two of them were just napping.
~ Rita Rudner ~

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Top 10 Inspirational Quotes

2009-07-29T02:06:00.000-07:00

Top 10 Inspirational Quotes of all times

Top Inspirational Quote #1

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.
We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?
Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God.
Your playing small does not serve the world.
There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you.
We are all meant to shine, as children do.
We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.
It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone.
And as we let our own light shine,
we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.
As we're liberated from our own fear,
our presence automatically liberates others."
-Marianne Williamson

Top Inspirational Quote #2

"If you want to improve, be content to be thought foolish, and stupid."
-Epictetus

Top Inspirational Quote #3

"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover."
-Mark Twain

Top Inspirational Quote #4

"Security is mostly a superstition. It does not exist in nature, nor do the children of men as a whole experience it. Avoiding danger is no safer in the long run than outright exposure. Life is either a daring adventure, or nothing.To keep our faces toward change and behave like free spiritsin the presence of fate is strength undefeatable."
-Helen Keller

Top Inspirational Quote #5

"Begin with the end in mind."
-Stephen Covey

Top Inspirational Quote #6

"The greatest crime in the world is not developing your potential. When you do what you do best, you are helping not only yourself, but the world."
-Roger Williams

Top Inspirational Quote #7

"Any society that would give up a little liberty to gain a little security will deserve neither and lose both."
-Ben Franklin

Top Inspirational Quote #8

"Inaction breeds doubt and fear. Action breeds confidence and courage. If you want to conquer fear, do not sit home and think about it. Go out and get busy."
-Dale Carnegie

Top Inspirational Quote #9

"Action is the foundational key to all success."
-Tony Robbins

Top Inspirational Quote #10

"Blair Warren's first product
was too powerful for most...

The One-Sentence Persuasion Course
27 Words to Make the World Do Your Bidding

...here is the finale,
the 27 words Blair sold for $97:

'People will do anything for those who encourage their dreams, justify their failures, allay their fears, confirm their suspicions and help them throw rocks at their enemies.'"
-Ben Mack

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BEST OF THE BEST QUOTES

2009-07-29T02:02:00.000-07:00

Collection of the best of the best quotes of all times. Top 10 Quotes of all times. These are the most famous quotes from all genre and all times.

TOP 10 FUNNY QUOTES

TOP 10 INSPIRATIONAL QUOTES

TOP FAMOUS LOVE QUOTES

TOP FAMOUS FRIENDSHIP QUOTES

BEST OF THE BEST JOKES

2009-07-29T01:53:00.001-07:00

Collection of the best of the best JOKES of all times. These are the Top 10 Most Famous JOKES of all times.

1. Things to do in the elevator

2. Illinois Man

3. Man falls asleep in church

4. Urinalysis

5. Baked Beans

6. A little Boy visits a whore house

7. Joe Gets an Operation

8. 101 things to do at Walmart

9. The new Priest

10. Neil Armstrong

Neil Armstrong

2009-07-29T01:43:00.001-07:00

When Astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, he not only gave his famous one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind statement but followed it by several remarks, usual between him, the other astronauts and Mission Control. Just before he re-entered the lander, however, he made the enigmatic remark, "Good luck Mr. Gorsky".

Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut. However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs.

Over the years many people questioned Armstrong as to what the Good luck Mr. Gorsky statement meant, but Armstrong always just smiled.

Four years ago, while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26 year old question to Armstrong. This time he finally responded. Mr. Gorsky had finally died and so Neil Armstrong felt he could answer the question.

When he was a kid, he was playing baseball with a friend in the backyard. His friend hit a fly ball which landed in the front of his neighbors' bedroom windows. His neighbors were Mr. & Mrs. Gorsky. As he leaned down to pick up the ball, young Armstrong heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky.

"Oral sex? You want oral sex? You'll get oral sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!"

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The new Priest

2009-07-29T01:42:00.000-07:00

The New Priest:

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.

After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am
worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If
I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got
nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon return to his office after mass, he found the following note on his door:

1.Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2.There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3.There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4.Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5.Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6.We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7.The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and Spook.
8.David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9.When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10.We do not refer to the cross as the Big T!
11.When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body", he did not say, "Eat me."
12.The Virgin Mary is not referred to as the, "Mary with the Cherry".
13.The recommended grace before a meal is not: "Rub-A-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God."
14.Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

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101 things to do at Walmart

2009-07-29T01:41:00.002-07:00

101 things to do at Walmart
1. Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them and stranding them at strategic locations.

2. Ride those little electronic cars at the front of the store.

3. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day.

4. Start playing Football; see how many people you can get to join in.

5. Run up to an employee (preferrebly a male) while squeezing your legs together and practically yell at him "I need some tampons!!"

6. Try on bras in the sewing/fabric department.

7. Try on bras over top of your clothes.

8. Make a trail of orange juice on the ground, leading to the restrooms

9. While walking around the store, sing in your loudest voice possible "sex and candy"

10. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "I think we've got a Code 3 in Housewares," and see what happens.

11. Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them all off and turn the volumes to "10".

12. Play with the automatic doors.

13. Walk up to complete strangers and say, "Hi! I haven't seen you in so long!..." etc. See if they play along to avoid embarrassment.

14. While walking through the clothing department, ask yourself loud enough for all to hear, "Who BUYS this shit, anyway?"

15. Repeat #14 in the jewelry department.

16. Try putting different pairs of women's panties on your head and walk around the store casually.

17. Leave small sacrifices or gifts in the hands of the mannequins.

18. Play soccer with a group of friends, using the entire store as your playing field.

19. As the cashier runs your purchases over the scanner, look mesmerized and say, "Wow. Magic!"

20. Put M&M's on layaway.

21. Move "Caution: Wet Floor" signs to carpeted areas.

22. Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath.

23. Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the spray air fresheners.

24. Nonchalantly "test" the brushes and combs in Cosmetics.

25. Drape a blanket around your shoulders and run around saying, "...I'm Batman. Come, Robin--to the Batcave!"

26. TP as much of the store as possible.

27. Randomly throw things over into neighboring aisles.

28. Play with the calculators so that they all spell "hello" upside down.

29. When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, "Why won't you people just leave me alone?"

30. When two or three people are walking ahead of you, run between them, yelling, "Red Rover!"

31. Look right into the security camera, and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose.

32. Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. the X-Men.

33. Take bets on the battle described above.

34. Set up another battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. G.I. Janes. (Red lipstick might give an interesting effect!!!)

35. While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are. Act as spastic as possible.

36. While no one's watching quickly switch the men's and women's signs on the doors of the rest room.

37. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from "Mission: Impossible."

38. Attempt to fit into very large gym bags.

40. Attempt to fit others into very large gym bags.

41. Fill your cart with boxes of condoms, and watch everyone's jaws drop when you attempt to buy them.

42. Set up a "Valet Parking" sign in front of the store.

43. Two words: "Marco Polo."

44. Leave Cheerios in Lawn and Garden, pillows in the pet food aisle,etc.

45. "Re-alphabetize" the CD's in Electronics.

46. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna" look with various funnels.

47. Hide in the clothing racks and when people browse through, say things like "the fat man walks alone," and scare them into believing that the clothes are talking to them

48. While walking around alone, pretend someone is with you and get into a very serious conversation. Exp: The person is breaking up with you and you begin crying "How could you do this to me? I thought you loved me! I knew there was another girl, but I thought I had won. You kissed ME darling." Then act as though you are being beaten and fall onto the ground screaming and having convulsions.

49. When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the fetal position and scream, "No, no! It's those voices again!"

50. Go to an empty checkout stand and try to check people out.

51. Drag a lounge chair on display over to the magazines and relax. If the store has a food court, buy a soft drink; explain that you don't get out much, and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it.

52. Get a stuffed animal and go to the front of the store and begin stroking it lovingly, saying "Good girl, good bessie."

53. Go over to the shoe department and try on every pair of shoes, not putiing one pair back. Take the paper from the boxes and throw it in various aisles.

54. When someone steps away from their cart to look at something,quickly make off with it without saying a word.

55. Follow people through the aisles, always staying about five feet away. Continue to do this until they leave the department.

56. Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.

57. Test the fishing rods and see what you can "catch" from the other aisles.

58. In the makeup department, spray yourself with every perfume there is, then walk up to a boy who is with another girl and start flirting with him in that annoying, ditsy way. "hi!!!! (giggle) What's your sign?(giggle)." When the boy shows no interest, start hitting on the girl the exact same way. "hi!!!! (giggle) What's your sign? (giggle)."

59. Hold indoor shopping cart races.

60. Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit.

61. When there are people behind you, walk REALLY SLOW, especially thin narrow aisles.

62. Relax in the patio furniture until you get kicked out.

63. Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap.

64. Pay off layaways fifty cents at a time.

65. Say things like, "Would you be so kind as to direct me to your Twinkies?"

66. Make up nonsense products and ask newly hired employees if there are any in stock, i.e., "Do you have any Shnerples here?"

67. Ride a display bicycle through the store; claim you're taking it for a "test drive."

68. Leave cryptic messages on the typewriters.

69. Get boxes of Condoms and randomly put them in peoples carts when they don't realize it.

70. Get an empty book, and say it's a guest book. Get people to sign.

71. Play a game of indoor freeze tag

72. Drive around the entrances screaming out the window "the British are coming"

73. Have a team race with your friends- one person sits in the cart, the other pushes

74. Go to the checkout and buy a bar of candy. Repeat, going to the same cash register, until the clerk notices

75. Fill your cart up as much as possible, and then try to use the express lane

76. Use a bullhorn and occasionally say that there is free candy in aisle X (aisle X being the condom aisle)

77. Run into a pyramid of cans, heroically saing "I'm gonna save us from that bomb!"

78. Use a conveyer belt as a treadmill and lose some weight

79. Grab heavy but not too heavy objects, and see who can throw them the most aisles over.

80. When people aren't looking, put tampons in their carts if they are a guy, or if they are a gal, put in a jock strap.

81. Randomly direct people to the deodorant section

82. Tell someone that you will sue for false advertising, since they do not sell walls.

83. Take your boyfriend or girlfriend to the food section and have an expensive dinner.

84. Try to push your cart through a checkout without paying. When the clerk tries to stop you, kick in his balls (dont try it on a chick, it wont work), run, but leave the cart. See what happens.

85. If people arent looking at their cart, steal it.

86. Go to the gun section, saying "Can I buy a gun? I'm tired of that stupid smily face!"

87. Buy expensive stuff, go home and use wite-out and a pen to change the price to something much lower, and the total much higher, then return and demand a refund.

88. See how much stuff you can break before you get caught

89. Take a leak in the dressing rooms.

90. Repeadeately say "The clowns are not eating me."

91. Use fake checks, but sign them using your neighbors name.

92. Rearrange items as you see fit.

93. Take a full set of guy's clothes and a full set of gal's clothes, then leave them lying somewhere.

94. Put pokemon stuff in a cart that is full of stuff like KoRn and Limp Bizkit CDs

95. Grab condoms and stick them in everyone's face (only the opposite sex)

96. Do #95 but with the same sex (not recomended)

97. Grab stickers that say "radioactive" and put them randomly on food items.

98. Follow someone until they notice

99. Puoll out pins, like that guy form the 7up commercial

100. Loiter. When asked to leave, tell them you live here.

101. Record yourself while having sex, then have it play over and over gain in the middle of a clothes rack.

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Joe Gets an Operation

2009-07-29T01:41:00.001-07:00

Joe Gets an Operation

Joe was moderately successful in the career, but as he got older he was increasingly hampered by incredible headaches. When his personal hygiene and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help. After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across a doctor who solved the problem. "The good news is I can cure your headaches..."

"The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine. The pressure creates a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he has anything to live for, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital, his mind was clear, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He walked past a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need: a new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit." The salesman eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see...size 44 long."

Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"

"It's my job," the salesman said.

Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"

Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure..." The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see...34 sleeve and... 16 and a half neck"

Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?"

"It's my job."

Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?"

Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure..." The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see...9 and a half... wide."

Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?"

"It's my job."

Joe was feeling great, when the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?"

Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure.." The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see... size 36."

Joe laughed, "No, I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old." The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. It would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."

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A little Boy visits a whore house

2009-07-29T01:39:00.002-07:00

A little Boy visits a whore house

A little boy about 10 years old was walking down the sidewalk, dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him. He came up to the doorstep of a whore house and knocked on the door. When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted. He said, "I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money to buy it, and I'm not leaving until I get it." The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in. Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked. He asked, "Do any of the girls have any diseases?" Of course, the Madam said, "No!" He said,
"I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making love with Amber. THAT'S the girl I want." Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right. He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him. Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door! . The Madam stopped him and asked,
"Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?" He said, "Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with a baby-sitter. After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of cute little boys. She will then get the disease that I just caught. When Mom and Dad get back, Dad will take the baby-sitter home. On the way, he'll jump the baby-sitter's bones, and he'll catch the disease. Then when Dad gets home from the baby-sitters, he and Mom will go to bed and have sex, and Mom will catch it. In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mom and catch the disease, and HE'S the son-of-a-bitch who ran over my FROG!"

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Baked Beans

2009-07-29T01:39:00.001-07:00

Once upon a time there lived a woman who had a maddening passion for baked
beans. She loved them but unfortunately they had always had a very
embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction to her. Then one day she met a guy
and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry she thought
to herself, " He is such a sweet and gentleman, he would never go for this
carrying on." So she made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.
Some months later her car broke down on the way home from work. Since she
lived in the country she called her husband and told him that she would be
late because she had to walk home. On her way she passed a small diner and
the odor of the baked beans was more than she could stand.
Since she still had miles to walk, she figured that she would walk off any
ill effects by the time she reached home. So, she stopped at the diner and
before she knew it, she had consumed three large orders of baked beans.
All the way home she putt-putted. And upon arriving home she felt reasonably
sure she could control it. Her husband seemed excited to see her and
exclaimed delightedly, "Darling, I have a surprise for dinner tonight." He
then blindfolded
her and led her to her chair at the table. She seated herself and just as he
was about to remove the blindfold from his wife,the telephone rang. He made
her promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned. He then went to
answer the phone.
The baked beans she had consumed were still affecting her and the pressure
was becoming almost unbearable, so while her husband was out of the room she
seized the opportunity, shifted her weight to one leg and let it go. It was
not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in
front of pulpwood mill. She took her napkin and fanned the air around her
vigorously. Then, she shifted to the other cheek and ripped three more, which
reminded her of cooked cabbage. Keeping her
ears tuned to the conversation in the other room, she went on like this for
another ten minutes. When the phone farewells signaled the end of her
freedom, she fanned the air a few more times with her napkin, placed it on
her lap and folded her hands upon it, smiling contentedly to herself. She was
the picture of innocence when her husband returned, apologizing for taking so
long, he asked her if she peeked, and she assured him that she had not. At
this point, he removed the blindfold, and she was surprised!!
There were twelve dinner guests seated around the table to wish her a "Happy
Birthday"!!!

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Urinalysis

2009-07-29T01:38:00.001-07:00

Urinalysis

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer at the drugstore at the corner. Just give it a urine sample and the computer'll tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a hell of a lot cheaper than a doctor."

So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the drugstore. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure.

Jack hurries back to the drugstore, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant...twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.

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